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fear in and loathing of bris vegas

i don't know where to start, unsure what fuels my need to be open and expressive about the dire feelings and thoughts that currently run within and throughout my mind. i have the sense to try to quell all the lost energies that pass by, holding tight to the notion that a past, present and future me will be able to read this information successfully and too be able to process each thought had, rationalise it and then (dreaming?) expand upon the blank canvas that is the then. but i don't know if (it) i will. will i see myself in time from now, or even in time from now and be able to justify the great dwelling and confusion that i presently feel? now, don't get me wrong at all, this is not put in place to sadden perhaps even annoy any one, this is simply the thought process escaping through the fingers you see.
so i feel dread. this dread is not my own lost or confused thoughts but actual dread. perhaps bought on by years of substance abuse (no longer the case) perhaps inherited ( a father with anxieties) or perhaps a shield. i fight this dread and i do know that i have the power of astrology on my side. i invoke strength through practice and yet i still become clouded by doubt and feel restrained by my own sense of worthlessness, this feeling that i cannot escape.
i do find freedom, but in doing so, i feel that freedom does but come at a heavy price (what goes up must come down) i now seek to enjoy my senses more than ever but as i do, with a proud smile on my face, i cannot maintain the poise or demeanour of those that i witness personally existing around me. i don't understand why my head seems to hinder more than that of others does to them?
i don't want it to be blocked and confronted insecurities and so most minutes of everyday i fight them to become a part of the worlds and society that sits just outside my fenced in mind, showing me beauty, life, love, lust, desire, dreams, joy, escape and success, beckoning for me to come.
so in staying true to my desire to defeat my mind, to win over my sense of loss and regret i continue to challenge myself, but being a perfectionist (a Libran) i am unable to see any gain that i may make, my self criticism will combine with the dread to overshadow all gain made within my life. i have to step outside of myself to view my actions and body from that of others, to be able to not be restrained by me.
i have had teachings in meditation, practiced religion, beliefs and magic but have not been able to believe that there is a more powerful influence in my life bar myself. i do control all that i exist, i know this, i watch my world adapt to my whims and too to my thoughts yet i feel so restrained by not being able to break free and attain an enlightenment that is the Nirvana beyond my mind.
i am caught up by this material world and so feel doomed to tread its path until i can sustain, become disciplined and go beyond, be it so in this life or a thousand from now, this is my path.

lost, confused understanding that leads to hatred and joy of oneself with a constant struggle to achieve more of nothing.

with such dread i smile so deeply at who i am. completely happy for moments so brief that i can see nirvana, that i have felt its warmth and that i will not reach it until i learn how to.
i love to learn, this is my life, i don't share because i am not understood. i am not of ego as it is not of me, i am a wraith that will leave a stain on ones life, smiling gaily that i am lost in the search.

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behind the veneer

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without me i am not myself
so?
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to yours?


so i hide

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ways
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challenging myself with worlds that feel so apparent
noticed closely within this time

being allowed makes me feel blessed
honored
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peace
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and stuns